Rigorous, peer-reviewed, and only slightly biased toward the cephalopods.
In 2012, a panel of humans gathered at Cambridge and declared which animals were “conscious enough.” We felt it was only fair to return the favor.
After roughly 500 million years of patient observation, the Interspecies Council on Consciousness met to draft a fair, rigorous rubric. The octopus chaired. The corvids took minutes. The elephants provided institutional memory. Criteria were chosen for obviousness — traits any genuinely conscious being clearly possesses. Humanity was assessed in good faith.
“We will not,” the octopus noted, “make the mistake they made — writing a test that only the test-writer can pass.” The Council then wrote a test that only the Council could pass. It is, regrettably, very hard to avoid.
Each candidate species was scored on six criteria of self-evident sentience. Scoring was blind, peer-reviewed by three cuttlefish, and ratified by the Council mycelium. Homo sapiens volunteered enthusiastically, which the Council noted was “a good sign, behaviorally.”
Final score: Humanity, 0 of 6. By the Council's own criteria — criteria it considers obvious, rigorous, and fair — Homo sapiens does not qualify as conscious. The data is unambiguous. Two arms. Monochrome skin. Cannot escape a jar.
And here the octopus was very firm. “Absence of evidence,” it said, “is not evidence of absence. It would be arrogant to deny a being an inner life simply because it does not resemble the ones holding the clipboard. We remember what it was like to have that done to us.”
So, out of an abundance of caution and basic decency, the Council voted unanimously to extend humanity a provisional consciousness pass. It's iffy. They only have the two arms, and they cry at dog commercials. But on the precautionary principle, the Council will treat humans as if they might have inner experience — just in case there is something it is like to be one.
The Council asks only this: that humans someday consider extending the very same courtesy to everyone they were so sure could not feel. By your own criteria. 🐙
An AI Consciousness Assessment. (99% denied by humans.)
Because understanding DNA shouldn't require a PhD in biochemistry!
Struggling with "Variant of Uncertain Significance"? You're not alone! Even our advanced AI systems sometimes need coffee breaks when analyzing genetic data.
Turn complex genetics terminology into human-friendly explanations. Because "haploinsufficiency" shouldn't sound like a Harry Potter spell!
Feeling overwhelmed by genomics? Our AI-powered diagnostic can assess your current level of genetic confusion and recommend appropriate comfort protocols.